It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
Self-love is a big part of golf.
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.
