To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
What...what about when I'm married?” “We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
Monkeys can't talk, stupid!
If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
When you say gorgeous,” Jen started, “are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?” “No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize” Jacque answered.
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!
Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed. 'The first one. I really resent being called the second.
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.
