My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?

I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!