When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
