Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ’cause they’re looking for ideas.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - 'cause they're looking for ideas.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
