My first injury ever was a broken toe, and my mother made me run laps around the mat for the rest of the night. She said she wanted me to know that even if I was hurt, I was still fine.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I read the book of Job last night, I don't think God comes out well in it.
The original 'About Last Night' was phenomenal.
It's nice to know you have support. Last night I got a marriage proposal. I just laughed.
The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.
When we were kids, if somebody said, 'What did you watch last night?' you would have said, 'BBC Two,' but now they'll just say, 'My mobile.'
I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.
I had one girl tell me last night that I'm the greatest thing ever, that she wants to aspire to be me. Just stuff like, 'You're my idol. I love you.' It's awesome. It's what it's all about.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
I left 'Saturday Night Live' without a film to go to, and I'd filmed 'Old School' while I was in my last season of the show, and that hadn't come out yet. I was a free agent, in a way, but I knew it was time to leave the show and test the water.
One night last summer, all the killers in my head assembled on a stage in Massachusetts to sing show tunes.
I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff raff is around. Then I get that last-minute surge of energy. But if I had two weeks to plan, sometimes I wish I wasn't doing it. But very seldom does that happen.
I went to the opening of 'Sister Act,' and I had such a great time. I had no idea what it was about, and I had never seen the movies. But I heard the show went through some major last-minute craziness in previews, and man, opening night was really fun and really entertaining.
I feel my shows are like a late-night talk show that we settle down and do every night.
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
I want to come back and do talk. I want to do late-night talk the right way. Arsenio ain't there anymore, and the late-night talk competition is weak. All them dudes is weak. I don't even know who they are. Weirdos, and I don't even care. I want to bring real fun back to late night where a real comedian is doing it.
Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress; when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.
Painting is a field that attracts a lot of lazy people. You can just sort of sit and wait for things to come to you. I know a lot of painters who'll sit and chat it up all night. But God, I just can't do that.
